Defective
by cym70
Summary: Amethyst confronts Pearl about what Peridot told her in the Kindergarten. Set directly after Too Far. (Written for Pearlmethyst Bomb, Day 6 – Angst / First fight)
"Hey…Pearl?"

Pearl finished drying the plate in her hands and then set it down lightly, turning to look at Amethyst. "Yes?" she asked curiously.

Amethyst was slouched over the table, head propped up on one hand and eyes focused somewhere around Pearl's shoulder instead of her face. "Can we talk?" she inquired, unusually serious.

The taller gem nodded uncertainly, looking concerned.

"In my room?"

Pearl nearly refused—Amethyst's room was certain to be a complete mess, as always—but something in Amethyst's eyes kept her from voicing it and she simply said, "Okay."

"Cool," she said without much enthusiasm. She walked over to the temple door and opened it, glancing over her shoulder to check that Pearl had followed her before the door slid shut behind them.

"What is it you wanted to talk about?" Pearl asked, side-eying a particularly asymmetrical pile to her left.

Amethyst hesitated, face turned away. "It's about something Peridot said. At the Kindergarten."

She waited for some kind of elaboration. She knew _something_ had happened at the Kindergarten earlier, and that it had apparently gone far enough for Peridot to feel the need to apologize, but they'd been too preoccupied with the drill for her to catch much more.

"Look, it's—" The smaller gem made a frustrated noise in the back of her throat. "I don't get some of the Homeworld stuff, but you and Garnet do and—I feel like I'm missing a lot, especially with Peri around."

"Do you mean what she said about Pearls?" Pearl asked tentatively, nervous fingers toying with her sash.

"No! Not that, you told me about most of that stuff before." Amethyst crossed her arms in front of herself protectively. "She was talking about me. What quartzes are supposed to be like."

"Amethyst—"

"How come you never told me I was _defective?_ " she demanded, voice cracking.

Pearl flinched, pain and—more prominently—anger flashing in her eyes. "She said that?"

"Yeah," Amethyst said bitterly, and she couldn't stop her voice from rising. "How come you guys never told me? How come, in thousands of years, you've never thought to say 'hey, Amethyst, you don't look like you're supposed to'?"

Pearl bit her lip, eyes lowered. "It never mattered."

"How can you say that?" she shouted. "Of course it matters!"

She shook her head quickly. "No! It didn't matter to _us_ , Amethyst. There was no need to tell you that, not after the war, and…and there's no reason any of us would _ever_ want to tell you that you're…" Pearl sighed. "Amethyst, it would have only hurt you. What good would it have done for us to tell you something like that?"

"Well, I'd rather hear it from you guys than from Peridot as a _joke!_ " Amethyst snapped.

"Ame—"

"You always do this, you always act like it's better to ignore all the bad things and pretend they never happened!"

"That's not what it was about—"

"Yes, it is! It always is, because we never _talk about things!_ I feel like I've learned more about Homeworld this week from Peridot than I have from you and Garnet _ever._ And it makes me feel so stupid! What, was I supposed to go around thinking I was a regular Amethyst my whole life, just because I conveniently don't have anything to compare myself to?"

"No!" Pearl snapped. "You just weren't supposed to have to think about it!"

"Wow, I _really_ appreciate it, P," she said sarcastically. "Thank you _so much_ for trying to save me the trouble of thinking about it, because we all know how bad I am at that!"

" _Amethyst!_ " Pearl was shaking, and her expression seemed caught somewhere between fear and sadness. "I need you to listen!"

"Fine!"

They locked eyes, neither moving for a moment.

Pearl's hands curled into fists, then released. She sighed wearily. "Okay, sit down."

"What?"

"You wanted to talk about Homeworld, and we're going to." Pearl sat, legs tucked neatly underneath her, and waited.

Amethyst reluctantly sat down across from her, hiding a little behind her long hair.

"I know it's not an excuse," Pearl began slowly, "but the war changed everything, for all of us. Sometimes things were wonderful, but sometimes it was only destruction and horror and... There are parts of it that I _cannot_ tell you, even if I wanted to." She took a breath to steady herself. "And there are parts of Homeworld that are still dear to me, that I miss, even after all these years. But there are other parts that we have tried desperately to leave behind." She clasped her hands together, fidgeting with her fingers. "Rose always refused to use the word 'defective'," she said quietly. "Earth was different, and we didn't have to worry about who we were supposed to be. I…I found comfort in that. Garnet too. And when we found you…" Pearl's voice trembled slightly. "I didn't think of you as defective, Amethyst. None of us have ever thought that."

"But I'm different," Amethyst muttered. "Even if you don't call it defective, I'm still…"

"We never wanted you to think that. We were free of Homeworld, and we wanted you to be too."

"But I'm _not_ ," she argued, feeling tears well up in her eyes. She scrubbed a hand across them in frustration. "Homeworld isn't just some planet off in the distance anymore; it's an actual threat. And there's so many things I don't know, and…and I want you to tell me, I don't want to get taken by surprise! I felt like such an _idiot_ for not knowing, and it…it hurt, okay? Not just being called defective, but knowing you don't trust me enough to be able to handle it."

Pearl wrung her hands. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "You're—You're right. I'm sorry."

"And I'm not saying I would have handled it well, I just—I thought we—" Tears began to leak from her eyes, leaving small trails down her face. "I-I don't know what to think anymore."

Pearl hesitantly reached out, placing a hand on her shoulder. "We should have told you. Not just about that, but about all of it. I…I think we did more harm than good, trying to protect you. I'm so sorry we hurt you, Amethyst. That was never our intent."

"I know," she managed in a small voice. "I know."

"Anything you want to hear, I promise, I'll tell you as best I can."

She nodded shakily.

Pearl looked a little lost as she ran a thumb over the strap of Amethyst's tank top. "What—What do you need right now?"

Amethyst shut her eyes, leaning into Pearl's touch. "I don't know, P, just stay here for a minute?"

"Okay," she agreed softly. She moved forward, rubbing her hand lightly up and down Amethyst's arm in soothing repetition. "I'm sorry."

"We'll be okay," she mumbled, knowing Pearl needed to hear it just as much as she did. "Right?"

"Right," Pearl said fondly, relieved.

She let Pearl continue to move her fingers reassuringly over her skin, and she wished she could get all of the thoughts out of her head and just focus on that. "…You don't think I'm defective?" she asked almost inaudibly.

"Of course not," Pearl said immediately. "You aren't defective, Amethyst, you're…you." She stopped, running her hand through fluffy, slightly tangled hair as she tried to formulate her thoughts into sentences. "By Homeworld's standards, yes, you would fall short. Garnet and I would too. But if you lived up to Homeworld's standards, if you had been just like all the other Amethysts…you wouldn't be here. So, please, don't regret being different."

Amethyst stared up at her with teary eyes.

"You're a Crystal Gem. None of us are _ordinary_ , but…none of us are defective either. We're just ourselves." She smiled faintly. "At least, that's what everyone has tried to teach me."

Amethyst grabbed Pearl and hugged her tightly, hiding her face against Pearl's neck. "Thanks."

Taken aback, it took Pearl a few seconds to return the hug. "You're welcome," she murmured.

She shook as she held onto Pearl, but the steady arms keeping her in place gave her some minute semblance of security. "Can we just stay here for a while?" Amethyst asked in a small voice.

"As long as you'd like," Pearl returned gently.

"No more secrets."

"No more," she agreed. She squeezed Amethyst tightly. "You'll be okay?"

"Yeah," Amethyst murmured, sniffling. "Yeah, I'm getting there."

Pearl just kept holding her, true to her word, silence eventually branching into words and stories. They flowed in quiet melodic tones about Homeworld, the war, and Earth until morning came and both of them had ended up curled into a soft corner of Amethyst's room together, exhausted and empty. Not quite okay, but better, and that was enough for now.


End file.
